Sweet Wisdom
I don’t have to hunt for an apartment anymore. I’m all moved in to a new one :) I am almost finished with this blazing class that absorbs all of my time because I study all the time I will start climbing out of my financial hole on Friday because I’m done paying for tuition I will finally have time to exercise, due to the aforementioned points I feel better already.
Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
And find a love to call your own
You - enter you
Your cheeks a shade of pink
And the rest of you in powder blue
Who knows what will be
But I’ll make you this guarantee
No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it’s obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
In the dark, on the phone
You tell me the names of your brothers
And your favorite colors
I’m learning you
And when it snows again
We’ll take a walk outside
And search the sky
Like children do
I’ll say to you
No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it’s obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we’re frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won’t you be my valentine?
And we’ll both be safe ‘til St. Patrick’s Day
We should take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful houses
something in the way that blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be
just like you and me
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
Come January we’re frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won’t you be my valentine?
And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I’ll be alright if it was just ‘til St. Patrick’s Day
The whole world apparently makes me nauseous, even pictures of decorated Christmas trees captioned with Holiday excitement. Bah Humbug.
Is there a difference between hopeless and being without hope? If there is, is one really worse than the other?
Sometimes, and I think I’ve mentioned this before, things make me feel nauseous. It’s a strange kind of nausea, not the kind that actually makes you lose your lunch. The pit of your stomach twists and feels suddenly empty. Any smile that would have been on your face the moment before would be easily lost, and the same nauseous feeling in your stomach causes a similar reaction in your mind. Your thoughts become consumed by the sensation and the trigger. Then-whatever it is-you feel like crying.
I’m worried about this nausea, because it has been happening to me with increasing frequency over the weeks. It used to only come about sometimes when I was talking to people about my future plans (which are in fact-impossible to plan which doesn’t fit well with my personality). The thought of my future would make me fell sick, and stressed, unhappy, and ultimately turned off to the conversation all together. Now it has evolved to start appearing when people talk about money because I think about how broke I am, the dinner they cooked for their family because I have no interest in listening, thinking about finding a new apartment (which leads me again to the money talk), or seeing old people hold hands as they walk in to the public library.
I do a lot of backtracking when I’m alone. I think about the timeline of emotions I’ve had over the last few weeks, months, and years. I think about the things that I’ve experienced, the places I’ve been, and the changes I’ve made. I try to do research of my own life to find that moment that started all the nausea to begin with. I want to correlate it with something so I can figure out why I get so disgusted with other peoples simple moments of happiness.
Is it because I’m not happy? I don’t know-most people look at me and see “happy” and I don’t have a worthy reason not to be
Is it because I’m broke? Probably not-I’m still eating and have a roof over my head. My bills are still on time
Is it because instead of watching my friends get married, now I’m scrolling through pictures of their ultrasounds on facebook when I’m not even remotely close to a decent conversation to a member of the opposite sex-let alone making babies with them? No-I don’t want kids any time soon and I don’t think I really want a man right now.
Is it because I’m still not happy with my weight? Well. No, I’m still healthy and that external factor has nothing to do with anything.
I think it goes back to hope. At some point on this relatively short journey into adulthood, I’ve misplaced my hope. I used to be an eternal optimist, the one to turn to when you needed to hear a positive thought. Now I can fake my way through some advice, but if anyone knew better they wouldn’t think I actually believed it. Maybe that’s a lie-maybe I do believe it, but find it hard to put myself in their shoes. I don’t feel hope for getting over this sickness-because that’s what it is. I don’t have hope that I’ll ever get out of this financial hole that I’m in, which is ironically because of the future I’m trying to plan. I don’t have hope that I’ll EVER be happy with my weight because I’m starting to think I’m a chronic chaser of empty happiness. I don’t have much hope that I’ll ever make a baby, have a desire to make a baby, meet someone to make a baby with, or attract a man with 3 ears and a beer gut.
Hopeless is the same as being without hope I suppose. I guess I’d like to think that there were graded levels of despair. Being “hopeless” would mean you have less hope than you started with….things could be better and things could be worse. Being without hope at all would mean you have no where to go but up, therefore the only hope you really do have is that “up” would be the only option?
I used to be insightful (sort of) about the world, but now I just get on here to complain about my effing life. I’m going to go clean the bathroom.
I have a lot to be Thankful for, despite this dismal post-but negativity is a bit overwhelming.
if you like talking to grown men like they are your pen pal.
in other words: “Match.com is great….not”
I’m already tired of match.com. It’s like hanging out in a really lame bar all night and the same drunk pricks and losers keep walking by trying to catch your eye.
“My eyes are closed, dear fellows, because this bar has put me to sleep!”
so listen. I joined match.com for 7 days for free. I’m on day two and already it has sucked hours away from my life and yields the same little man babies. Not only is online dating as frustrating as hanging out in a bar, but it STILL costs money.
I’m going to be a hooker.
Sometimes my room mate hums and it sounds really creepy. I’m sure she’s happy, but the short little spurts of songs I don’t recognize remind me of horror movies. I don’t like horror movies, therefore I don’t like her humming.
My new favorite phrase (that I most often mumble in judgement of others or think in my head) is “You look like a fucking tard”
In other news, I’m 95% sure I’m about to join match.com. Help me.
